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Sex and Love Addicts AnonymousSex and Love Addicts Anonymous (more commonly known as "S.L.A.A." or just "SLAA") is a 12-Step program of recovery from sex and/or love addiction. SLAA was started in Newton, Massachusetts, in 1976 by members of Alcoholics Anonymous who discovered that they had problems with sex and love which they could not freely discuss in AA meetings, so a new 12-Step program of recovery was born. Since then many SLAA members have discovered that other addictions were not the cause of their sexual acting-out or acting-in but was, rather, an effect of those behaviors. Sex and love addiction for many was their fundamental addiction. The only qualification for S.L.A.A. membership is a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction. S.L.A.A. is supported entirely through the contributions of its membership,and is free to all who need it.
What is Sex and Love Addiction?SLAA believes that sex and love addiction is an illness which cannot be cured but can be arrested. As a program, SLAA further believes that this illness of sex and love addiction is progressive, much like chemical addictions, the acting-out behaviors which used to satisfy a sex and love addict become insufficient. The addict then begins to crave, seek, and eventually find more intense sex and/or romance. That too becomes an insufficient hit so that the addict then seeks more intensity. It is a self-destructive cycle. SLAA further believes that sex and love addiction, if left untreated,
Acting OutThere are a variety of ways sex and love addicts tend to act out. These include but are certainly not limited to: prostitution, anonymous affairs, multiple affairs, compulsive masturbation or use of pornography. There are many other fetishes which can be included. Some acting out is criminal behavior. Pedophilia (acting out with children) and incest (acting out with family members). Criminal acting out involving children is no more prevalent within the group of sex and love addicts than in society as a whole. Acting InThere are a variety of ways sex and love addicts act in. These behaviors usually are solitary. Although acting-in behaviors are as destructive to family, self respect and career as acting-out, they are often harder to see. Acting in behaviors include obsessive computer pornography, masturbation and anorexia regarding relationships and self. As part of some addictive patterns, anorexia may follow periods of acting-out. Love AddictionWhen SLAA members refer to Love Addiction they are generally talking about something which might be more accurately called "fantasy romance" or "extreme emotional dependency". Recovering SLAA members are quite aware that real, healthy love is a very different and much better state of being than the desperately clinging, emotional dependency. Often this form of dependency brings people to SLAA meetings. SLAA believes that in many cases sexual acting-out is tightly bound to this dependent, pseudo-love, and that love addicts are often attracted to sex addicts with mutually destructive results. Within SLAA love addiction can be as malignant as sex addiction. Extreme emotional dependency can drive both men and women to controlling and even violently jealous criminal behavior. Recovering love addicts often say that they did not have "relationships" but, rather, that they "took hostages". Because of these observations, SLAA aims to address both sex and love addiction. This is one of the factors which differentiates SLAA from other "S" Fellowships which tend to be more focused on the sexual addiction alone. SLAA acknowleges its roots in AAAlcoholics Anonymous (more commonly known as "A.A." or just "AA") has generously made their entire "Big Book" available online. Chapter 5 of the AA Big Book, "How It Works", is the original explanation of the 12-Step program of recovery. SLAA proudly acknowleges its heritage. But other than structure and adherence to steps and traditions, there are substantial differences between the SLAA and AA programs of recovery. The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of SLAA] were borrowed with permission from the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous and needed to be adapted only slightly for SLAA. The obvious changes were made from "alcohol" to "sex and love addiction" in Step 1 and "alcoholics" to "sex and love addicts" in Step 12. The word "Him" was changed to "God" in Steps 3, 7, and 11 to be more gender-neutral and to make the non-religious intent more clear. The phrase "in all our affairs" in Step 12 was changed to "in all areas of our lives" for obvious reasons. The structure of the program of recovery laid out forSLAA members is nearly identical to that of AA. However, unlike the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, which works to help its members stop drinking completely and permanently, the SLAA program of recovery is NOT about stopping all sexual and romantic behaviors forever. While individuals can get along without sex indefinitely, SLAA members have learned that permanent cessation of all sexual activity, sometimes called sexual anorexia, is not healthy. Normality is living a life with healthy and sober sexual and loving relationships. Accordingly, SLAA's indirect goal is to help its members have non-addictive, sane, and healthy sex and love in their lives. In this sense, SLAA is more like other 12-Step behavior addiction programs. SLAA members must also ultimately learn to be in healthy, sober, intimate partnerships while pursuing sober non-addictive behaviors and healthy sober relationships. Self-defined Bottom LineSLAA differs from AA in another major respect as well. Sex and love are such highly individual aspects of every human being that there is no fixed Bottom Line. Members of AA have a fixed Bottom Line which is, simply, "Don't Drink". The Bottom Line, which is in reality a boundary is "self-defined", but is preferably set up with the help of a sponsor, another member of the fellowship who has been abstinent on his/her Bottom Line behaviors for some time and understands the process and pitfalls of recovery in SLAA. Having individual Bottom Lines makes sense in SLAA because, for example, particular sexual and emotional practices which are harmless for one SLAA member can be quite destructive to another. A common item which is permanently off some peoples' Bottom Lines and permanently on others' Bottom Lines is masturbation. For some sex and love addicts masturbation is a truly harmless, risk-free release of built-up sexual tension. For others it is the start of a rapid slide down into shame, depression, and acting out in other, more dangerous ways. Clearly the latter group must put on their Bottom-Lines, masturbation. Bottom Line items are also not necessarily permanent. Since SLAA's indirect aim is to encourage non-addictive sex and love, its members must be able to take certain items off their Bottom Lines as their recovery progresses. A common example of this is dating. Many members come into SLAA suffering from rapid-fire "serial monogamy" or exhausting "multiple, simultaneous relationships". Such people need time off from dating while starting recovery and stabilizing their lives, so dating becomes a Bottom Line item for them. Dating will, after some time, be taken off their Bottom Lines. This is done after sanity checks with a sponsor, other abstinent members of SLAA, and perhaps a therapist. Removing items from an SLAA member's Bottom Line without a plan in recovery is a weakness with the self-defined Bottom Line concept. Most addicts, however, use getting current time in meetings to openly share with others those challenges, on a day to day basis which affect and challenge indiviual sobriety. SLAA members need the ability to add behaviors to their Bottom Lines. Sexual and emotional acting-out can take many forms. Sometimes it is not always clear that a particular behavior might even be a problem for a given individual. Clarity comes with time. Working with a sponsor helps center addicts. Many SLAA members do add behaviors to their Bottom Lines over time. New SLAA members are guided asked to write a First Step Inventory -- a subset of the traditional, more in-depth "4th Step" -- in order to help establish a better Bottom Line sooner.
40 Questions for Self DiagnosisAgain because of the highly varied nature of sex and love addiction and the wide variety of effects it has, it can be confusing as to whether or not a given individual has this disease. Many people have found the SLAA pamphlet 40 Questions for Self Diagnosis to be of help with this question, whether they became SLAA members or not, or even if seeking help for another person. An on-line version of that pamphlet is available here. The pamphlet is a collection of some of the more common and/or revealing ways of acting out and the effects thereof gathered from much painful experience. 13th SteppingSLAA is NOT a dating service or a place to find acting-out partners. Occasionally people wander in who have such goals in mind, but they are not tolerated. This behavior, beyond the bounds of 12 steps for sobriety and sanity is often called 13th stepping.
Pillars of RecoveryThere are five pillars of recovery from Sex and Love addiction SobrietyThe ability to keep sober behavior and to stop acting out on a bottom line. Sobriety is defined as keeping away from behavior on an individual bottom line, one day at a time. Sobriety gives us back our lives. Sponsorship/MeetingsThe attendance at meetings on a regular basis, perhaps ninety meetings in ninety days as a newcomer is suggested. A sponsor is one who has worked the 12 Steps and who acts as a guide on a one to one basis for the sponsee. The use of a sponsor to stay honest and sober is very important to continuing sobriety from this addiction. Sponsorship keeps us honest. Steps and TraditionsThe practice and use of the steps in everyday life helps the addict to realize that they are an essential part of life and well being. The steps are designed to help the addict become sober. The use of a moral inventory helps us find where we stand within the steps and traditions. The traditions help the addict in everyday dealings with the world. The combination allows the addict to life a sane and sober life within the community. The steps help keep us sober. ServiceAs the addict recovers, it is important to give back that which was so freely given, the ability to recover in a safe and sober manner. To allow the next newcomer the same advantages he or she received, the recovering addict will take the lessons of the steps and traditions and apply them to service to the group, the intergroup and the fellowship as a whole. Service keeps us clean. SpirtualityEssential to becoming well is the realization that all our sobriety flows from a power greater than ourselves, sometimes called Higher Power, sometimes God, sometimes just a 'power greater than ourselves'. By letting go and allowing this power into our lives, we can give up the addictive behaviors and return to sanity. Spirituality keeps us sane. COSLAA Help for family and friends of Sex and Love AddictsThere is a group for those who are not sex addicts but whose lives as friends, family or significant others have been affected by the addict. This program called is COSLAA . Please note that COSLAA does NOT accept sexual addicts to its meetings, only those who are affected by, live with or are relatives or friends of the sexual addict. Affected othersThe consequences of sexual acting out affect not only significant others but family and friends, often co-workers of the sex addict. COSLAA is a program which addresses those needs. Isn't COSLAA a place for co-addictive behaviors?Although there are certain dependent behaviors though which partners of addicts may find themselves attracted to or attached to a sex addict, often it is through no fault of their own that they are in relationship to the addict. COSLAA programs, allow those in relationship to, but not engaging in sexual addictive behaviors, to get current , that is to discuss how the behaviors of the addicts they are living with have affected their lives without other addicts being present. Shame and blameCOSLAA is not a place to shame nor blame the addict for his or her behavior. It is a place to find sanity, recovery, fellowship, and support in living with or adjacent to a sex and love addict. It is frequently a forum to find personal strength, stop looking into the moral inventory of others and take responsibility for his or her portion of the relationship. Often relationships are strengthened through the dual recovery of the addict and partner. Finding a meetingMeetings are one of the primary ways that Sex and Love Addicts recover. Within the meetings the addict can find a safe place to talk about this addiction, find help with boundary problems, and set bottom lines. Part of that safety is anonymity. We in SLAA take great care to protect the anonymity of members of SLAA. All regular meetings are closed to the public. Closed meetings allow addicts to recover safely. There are many meetings to reach out to those still suffering from sex and love addiction. Meetings and the NewcomerNewcomers are encouraged to attend at least six meetings before deciding whether or not SLAA program of recovery is right for them. Because of the shame often associated with acting-out or acting-in behaviors, it may take several meetings before newcomers can hear the message or help. Understanding that the program requires action on the part of the individual, that no one pulls or pushes anyone through the steps is another important part of the program. Listening to other addicts, realizing that the stories and challenges could be those of anyone in the rooms, helps newcomers to recognize the pervasiveness of the addiction within their lives. Chosing a meetingAlthough it is good go to different meetings, learning to build trust is a key element in recovering from sex and love addiction. Building that trust happens by hearing the honesty in sharing within a meeting. Although there are specific purpose meetings, a men's or women's meeting, it is often said there is a common denominator in our obsessive, compulsive patterns which renders any personal differences of sexual or gender orientation irrelevant. As a newcomer to SLAA maintain an open mind, listen to how the patterns of others may be your own. Stay with a meeting. Allow yourself to extend and to trust. For most newcomers, finding others who have recovered and who continue to share with others, draw sustenance and strength from the program is an important beginning step toward recovery. Each day we are sober is another day of sanity. Who might attend SLAA meetingsSome sex and love addicts report that they became addicts as a result of early abuse. They were victims of incest and other sexual abuse when they were young. SLAA is therefore often and openly used by sex and/or love addicts for recovery from these issues too. Broad scope of SLAASLAA has a broad scope of membership. We recognize that "differences of gender or sexual orientation" do not include nor exclude anyone from the disease of sex and love addiction. It is an equal opportunity destroyer. SLAA welcomes all without regard to orientation. Sexual anorexiaSome sex and love addicts have difficulty with emotional attachments. They are anorexic with regard to their sexual behaviors. SLAA is open to these addicts as well. Anorexic behavior is only the other side of the coin. Some sex and love addicts have difficulties with forming relationships. Often they have left behind them a trail of failed marriages or unsuccessful and unfullfilling relationships. SLAA is open to help these addicts too with addressing their anorectic behaviors and issues. 90 and 90Often after a slip or loss of sobriety, a member may be asked to do a 90 and 90; 90 meetings in 90 days. For many this means attending more than one location. This rigor of attending 90 meetings is meant to reinforce the strengths of the programs, the sustenance of members and the value of reaching out for help to others in the program. As a newcomer, however, finding a meeting that lets you become honest and sober is important. Staying at meetings where you find sobriety and honesty will help you become sober. One day at a timeAll of us get sober just one day at a time. Each time we get to another 24 hours without losing sobriety, we have a day. Those days may string together and become periods of sobriety; they only happen one day at a time. Religion and spiritualityTwelve-step programs are not cults. We are a committed group of addicts who, having seen our insanity and dysfunction, have come together for mutual aid and help. We often speak of a Higher Power rather than God as such. This relieves us of any burden of organized religion or specific God concept which we may have had and allows us to put our faith and trust in a Higher Power, however that Higher Power may be expressed for each one of us. In turning over our lives to this notion of a power greather than ourselves we relieve ourselves of the burdens of perfectionism. SLAA thus is not a religious organization. Atheists, agnostics, and adherents of all religions are always welcomed. Hope and recoverySLAA encourages newcomers to come to at least six meetings before deciding whether or not the SLAA program of recovery is right for them. One of the reasons is the individual nature of the recovery stories which are told in SLAA meetings. Newcomers often are in denial when they arrive at meetings, unable to hear the message of hope and recovery. Many newcomers need to hear the many divergent stories and sharing to realize that often the stories might well be their own. Meetings OnlineThere are meetings now held online. There are specific rules and regulations governing conduct at these meetings. Some people find it difficult to attend online meetings because of their acting out patterns. Others find it helps them when they cannot get to a live meeting. Live Meetings and locationsPeople seeking meetings can go to the internet, search for helpline phone services such as INFOLINE, or look in the phone book for 'sex and love addicts'. Fellowship Wide Services offers a worldwide directory of SLAA groups. Meetings in other languagesSex and love addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer. There are meetings in almost every language and country. Listed in the side bar are a few of the languages that the 12 Steps of SLAA are written in. External links
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